Humorous Quotes
Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to weave.
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Mignon McLaughlin Quotes
Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics.
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Author Unknown Quotes
The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.
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Woody Allen Quotes
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
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Author Unknown Quotes
After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
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P.J. O'Rourke Quotes
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
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Elayne Boosler Quotes
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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Author Unknown Quotes
It is known that there is an infinite number of worlds, but that not every one is inhabited. Therefore, there must be a finite number of inhabited worlds. Any finite number divided by infinity is as near to nothing as makes no odds, so if every planet in the Universe has a population of zero then the entire population of the Universe must also be zero, and any people you may actually meet from time to time are merely the products of a deranged imagination.
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Douglas Adams Quotes
The last time I was in a woman I was visiting the Statue of Liberty.
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Woody Allen Quotes
A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't.
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Author Unknown Quotes
Macintosh - we might not get everything right, but at least we knew the century was going to end.
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Douglas Adams Quotes
Today is the last day of some of your life.
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Author Unknown Quotes
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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Author Unknown Quotes
Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter'
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Andy Rooney Quotes
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
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Fred Allen Quotes
Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.
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H.L. Mencken Quotes
A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.
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Winston Churchill Quotes
If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
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Douglas Adams Quotes
He who believes that the past cannot be changed has not yet written his memoirs.
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Torvald Gahlin Quotes
My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fiber, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.
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Douglas Adams Quotes
Nothing travels faster than light, with the possible exception of bad news, which follows its own rules.
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Douglas Adams Quotes
Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.
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Rita Mae Brown Quotes
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
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Douglas Adams Quotes
It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much - the wheel, New York, wars and so on - whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man - for precisely the same reasons.
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Douglas Adams Quotes
She was what we used to call a suicide blond - dyed by her own hand.
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Saul Bellow Quotes
Without geography, you're nowhere.
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Author Unknown Quotes
If people were meant to pop out of bed, we'd all sleep in toasters.
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Author Unknown Quotes
A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.
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Jack Benny Quotes
A great name for a new country song: If I'd Shot You Sooner, I'd Be Out of Jail by Now.
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Author Unknown Quotes
If The Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me.
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Jimmy Buffet Quotes
You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses, and he wears a beret. He is French, people.
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Conan O'Brien Quotes
It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
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Author Unknown Quotes
There's an old saying in Tennessee - I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee - that says: Fool me once, shame on [pause] shame on you. [Pause] Fool me [long pause] you can't get fooled again.
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George W. Bush Quotes
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
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Arthur McBride Bloch Quotes
The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.
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Douglas Adams Quotes
When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football.
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Author Unknown Quotes
I'm the master of low expectations.
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George W. Bush Quotes
Lord, lord, lord. Protect me from the consequences of the above prayer.
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Douglas Adams Quotes
Protect me from knowing what I don't need to know. Protect me from even knowing that there are things to know that I don't know. Protect me from knowing that I decided not to know about the things that I decided not to know about. Amen.
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Douglas Adams Quotes
Life - a sexually transmitted terminal condition.
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Rainer Maria Rilke Quotes
He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed.
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Harry Kalas Quotes
I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.
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Fred Allen Quotes
An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault.
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Willaim Castle Quotes
Can we actually "know" the universe? My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown.
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Woody Allen Quotes
The chicken came first - God would look silly sitting on an egg.
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Author Unknown Quotes
While on a ladder, never step back to admire your work.
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Author Unknown Quotes
The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away.
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Tom Waits Quotes
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
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George Ade Quotes
The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.
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Dorothy Parker Quotes
The candidates are an interesting group, with diverse opinions - for tax cuts and against them, for NAFTA and against NAFTA, for the Patriot Act and against the Patriot Act, in favor of liberating Iraq and opposed to it. And that's just one senator from Massachusetts.
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George W. Bush Quotes
Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad.
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P.D. East Quotes
Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him "Be fruitful and multiply." But not in those exact words.
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Woody Allen Quotes
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
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Woody Allen Quotes
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
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George W. Bush Quotes
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
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Woody Allen Quotes
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
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Author Unknown Quotes