Humorous Quotes
Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to weave.
McLaughlin, Mignon
Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics.
Unknown, Author
The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.
Allen, Woody
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Unknown, Author
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Boosler, Elayne
It is known that there is an infinite number of worlds, but that not every one is inhabited. Therefore, there must be a finite number of inhabited worlds. Any finite number divided by infinity is as near to nothing as makes no odds, so if every planet in the Universe has a population of zero then the entire population of the Universe must also be zero, and any people you may actually meet from time to time are merely the products of a deranged imagination.
Adams, Douglas
The last time I was in a woman I was visiting the Statue of Liberty.
Allen, Woody
Today is the last day of some of your life.
Unknown, Author
Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter'
Rooney, Andy
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
Allen, Fred
A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.
Churchill, Winston
He who believes that the past cannot be changed has not yet written his memoirs.
Gahlin, Torvald
My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fiber, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.
Adams, Douglas
Without geography, you're nowhere.
Unknown, Author
If people were meant to pop out of bed, we'd all sleep in toasters.
Unknown, Author
A great name for a new country song: If I'd Shot You Sooner, I'd Be Out of Jail by Now.
Unknown, Author
If The Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me.
Jimmy Buffet
You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses, and he wears a beret. He is French, people.
O'Brien, Conan
It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Unknown, Author
The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.
Adams, Douglas
When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football.
Unknown, Author
Lord, lord, lord. Protect me from the consequences of the above prayer.
Adams, Douglas
Protect me from knowing what I don't need to know. Protect me from even knowing that there are things to know that I don't know. Protect me from knowing that I decided not to know about the things that I decided not to know about. Amen.
Adams, Douglas
Life - a sexually transmitted terminal condition.
Rilke, Rainer Maria
I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.
Allen, Fred
An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault.
Castle, Willaim
Can we actually "know" the universe? My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown.
Allen, Woody
The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away.
Waits, Tom
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
Ade, George
The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.
Parker, Dorothy
Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him "Be fruitful and multiply." But not in those exact words.
Allen, Woody
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
Allen, Woody