Quotes by Steven Wright
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
Link to Quote
Steven Wright Quotes
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Link to Quote
Steven Wright Quotes
The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
Link to Quote
Steven Wright Quotes
I listen to the police band on my CB radio. Once I dialed 911 and dedicated a crime to my girlfriend.
Link to Quote
Steven Wright Quotes
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
Link to Quote
Steven Wright Quotes
I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building. I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to the other and said, "See, that's how it's done."
Link to Quote
Steven Wright Quotes
A man committed suicide by overdosing on decongestant tablets. All they found was a pile of dust.
Link to Quote
Steven Wright Quotes
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
Link to Quote
Steven Wright Quotes
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
Link to Quote
Steven Wright Quotes
I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it. You know, you turn it upside down then you turn it back and it starts to snow. I bought one, except this has a snow plow that does it in rows.
Link to Quote
Steven Wright Quotes
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Link to Quote
Steven Wright Quotes
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
Link to Quote
Steven Wright Quotes
Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one in the leather jacket." She said, "I'll be the one drinking sake." Turned out it was one of those biker-sushi places. We never met.
Link to Quote
Steven Wright Quotes
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
Link to Quote
Steven Wright Quotes
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
Link to Quote
Steven Wright Quotes
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
Link to Quote
Steven Wright Quotes
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
Link to Quote
Steven Wright Quotes