Quotes by P.J. O'Rourke
You can't get rid of poverty by giving people money.
O'Rourke, P.J.
Skiing consists of wearing 3,000 worth of clothes and equipment and driving 200 miles in the snow in order to stand around at a bar and drink.
O'Rourke, P.J.
A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do.
O'Rourke, P.J.
Drugs have taught an entire generation of American kids the metric system.
O'Rourke, P.J.
Getting down on all fours and imitating a rhinoceros stops babies from crying.(Put an empty cigarette pack on your nose for a horn and make loud "snort" noises.) I don't know why parents don't do this more often. Usually it makes the kid laugh. Sometimes it sends him into shock. Either way it quiets him down. If you're a parent, acting like a rhino has another advantage. Keep it up until the kid is a teenager and he definitely won't have his friends hanging around your house all the time.
O'Rourke, P.J.
Oh, God. The Sixties are coming back. Well I've got a 12-gauge double-barreled duck gun chambered for three-inch Magnum shells. And, speaking strictly for this retired hippie and former pinko beatnik, if the Sixties head my way, they won't get past the porch steps. They will be history. Which, for chrissakes, is what they're supposed to be.
O'Rourke, P.J.
There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.
O'Rourke, P.J.
Never wear anything that panics the cat.
O'Rourke, P.J.
The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person.
O'Rourke, P.J.
Golf combines two favorite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick.
O'Rourke, P.J.
The sport of skiing consists of wearing three thousand dollars' worth of clothes and equipment and driving two hundred miles in the snow in order to stand around at a bar and get drunk.
O'Rourke, P.J.
Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.
O'Rourke, P.J.
Good manners can replace morals. It may be years before anyone knows if what you are doing is right. But if what you are doing is nice, it will be immediately evident.
O'Rourke, P.J.