Quotes by Jack Handey
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home, his face might burn up.
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Jack Handey Quotes
Many people do not realize that the snowshoe can be used for a great many things besides walking on snow. For instance, it can be used to carry pancakes from the stove to the breakfast table. Also, it can be used to carry uneaten pancakes from the table to the garbage. Finally, it can be used as a kind of strainer, where you force pancakes through the strings to see if a piece of gold got in a pancake somehow.
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Jack Handey Quotes
I think a cute movie idea would be about a parrot who is raised by eagles. It would be cute because the parrot can't seem to act like an eagle. After a while, though, to keep the movie from getting boring, maybe put in some pornography. Later, we see the happy parrot flying along, acting like an eagle. He see two parrots below and starts to attack, but it's his parents. Then, some more pornography.
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Jack Handey Quotes
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
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Jack Handey Quotes
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
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Jack Handey Quotes
Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see now.
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Jack Handey Quotes
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
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Jack Handey Quotes
You know what makes good hair for a snow man REAL hair. Don't ask me why, but it works.
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Jack Handey Quotes
I wish outer-space guys would conquer Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little basket-beds with my name on it.
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Jack Handey Quotes