Quotes by Jack Handey

wooden pedestal
Displaying 1 to 9 out of 9 Quotes
  • 1

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home, his face might burn up.
Link to Quote
Jack Handey Quotes

section label

 space  

Add your own tags  

Many people do not realize that the snowshoe can be used for a great many things besides walking on snow. For instance, it can be used to carry pancakes from the stove to the breakfast table. Also, it can be used to carry uneaten pancakes from the table to the garbage. Finally, it can be used as a kind of strainer, where you force pancakes through the strings to see if a piece of gold got in a pancake somehow.
Link to Quote
Jack Handey Quotes

section label

 snow  

Add your own tags  

I think a cute movie idea would be about a parrot who is raised by eagles. It would be cute because the parrot can't seem to act like an eagle. After a while, though, to keep the movie from getting boring, maybe put in some pornography. Later, we see the happy parrot flying along, acting like an eagle. He see two parrots below and starts to attack, but it's his parents. Then, some more pornography.
Link to Quote
Jack Handey Quotes

section label

 acting  

Add your own tags  

If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
Link to Quote
Jack Handey Quotes

section label

 alcohol  

Add your own tags  

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
Link to Quote
Jack Handey Quotes

section label

 sports  

Add your own tags  

Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see now.
Link to Quote
Jack Handey Quotes

section label

 enemies  

Add your own tags  

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
Link to Quote
Jack Handey Quotes

section label

 laughter  

Add your own tags  

You know what makes good hair for a snow man REAL hair. Don't ask me why, but it works.
Link to Quote
Jack Handey Quotes

section label

 snow  

Add your own tags  

I wish outer-space guys would conquer Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little basket-beds with my name on it.
Link to Quote
Jack Handey Quotes

section label

 space  

Add your own tags  

  • 1