Quotes by Erma Bombeck
I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
Bombeck, Erma
A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.
Bombeck, Erma
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
Bombeck, Erma
As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all those books belonged to her.
Bombeck, Erma
The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together.
Bombeck, Erma
When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.
Bombeck, Erma
Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.
Bombeck, Erma
I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food.
Bombeck, Erma
If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
Bombeck, Erma
Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
Bombeck, Erma