Quotes by Ambrose Bierce
House, n. A hollow edifice erected for the habitation of man, rat, mouse, beetle, cockroach, fly, mosquito, flea, bacillus, and microbe.
Bierce, Ambrose
Scriptures: the sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.
Bierce, Ambrose
Christian, n.: one who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.
Bierce, Ambrose
The hardest tumble a man can make is to fall over his own bluff.
Bierce, Ambrose
Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.
Bierce, Ambrose
Patience: A minor form of despair disguised as a virtue.
Bierce, Ambrose
Historian: A broad-gauge gossip.
Bierce, Ambrose
Quotation, n.: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. The words erroneously repeated.
Bierce, Ambrose
Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.
Bierce, Ambrose
Reconsider, v. To seek a justification for a decision already made.
Bierce, Ambrose
Impiety, n.: Your irreverence toward my deity.
Bierce, Ambrose
Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
Bierce, Ambrose
Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
Bierce, Ambrose
History: An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools.
Bierce, Ambrose
Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
Bierce, Ambrose
Infidel: In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does.
Bierce, Ambrose
Mammalia, n. pl. A family of vertebrate animals whose females in a state of nature suckle their young, but when civilized and enlightened put them out to nurse, or use the bottle.
Bierce, Ambrose
Zeal, n. A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced.
Bierce, Ambrose
Custard: A detestable substance produced by a malevolent conspiracy of the hen, the cow, and the cook.
Bierce, Ambrose
Childhood: the period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth - two removes from the sin of manhood and three from the remorse of age.
Bierce, Ambrose
Mad, adj.: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
Bierce, Ambrose
Calamity, n. A more than commonly plain and unmistakable reminder that the affairs of this life are not of our own ordering.
Bierce, Ambrose
Property, n. Any material thing, having no particular value, that may be held by A against the cupidity of B. Whatever gratifies the passion for possession in one and disappoints it in all others. The object of man's brief rapacity and long indifference.
Bierce, Ambrose
Edible, adj.: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.
Bierce, Ambrose
Poker, n. A game said to be played with cards for some purpose to this lexicographer unknown.
Bierce, Ambrose
Abstainer, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
Bierce, Ambrose
Pray: To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
Bierce, Ambrose
Feast, n. A festival. A religious celebration usually signalized by gluttony and drunkenness, frequently in honor of some holy person distinguished for abstemiousness.
Bierce, Ambrose
Dentist: a prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coin out of your pocket.
Bierce, Ambrose
Academe, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n. A modern school where football is taught.
Bierce, Ambrose
Debt, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slave driver.
Bierce, Ambrose
Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.
Bierce, Ambrose
Destiny: A tyrant's authority for crime and a fool's excuse for failure.
Bierce, Ambrose
Aphorism, n.: Predigested wisdom.
Bierce, Ambrose
Liberty: One of Imagination's most precious possessions.
Bierce, Ambrose
No country is so wild and difficult but men will make it a theater of war.
Bierce, Ambrose