Quotes by Dave Barry
A Mission Statement is a dense slab of words that a large organization produces when it needs to establish that its workers are not just sitting around downloading Internet porn.
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Dave Barry Quotes
Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.
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Dave Barry Quotes
I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth's gravitational pull has become since 1990.
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Dave Barry Quotes
Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth and fresher breath.
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Dave Barry Quotes
Of course the truth is that the congresspersons are too busy raising campaign money to read the laws they pass. The laws are written by staff tax nerds who can put pretty much any wording they want in there. I bet that if you actually read the entire vastness of the U. S. Tax Code, you'd find at least one sex scene ("'Yes, yes, YES!' moaned Vanessa as Lance, his taut body moist with moisture, again and again depreciated her adjusted gross rate of annualized fiscal debenture").
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Dave Barry Quotes
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.
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Dave Barry Quotes
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
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Dave Barry Quotes
If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from The Beverly Hillbillies.
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Dave Barry Quotes
I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
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Dave Barry Quotes
It's income tax time again. Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta.
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Dave Barry Quotes
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
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Dave Barry Quotes
Camping: nature's way of promoting the motel industry.
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Dave Barry Quotes
Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
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Dave Barry Quotes
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy.
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Dave Barry Quotes
Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough... I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of forty-seven-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding.
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Dave Barry Quotes
Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons.
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Dave Barry Quotes
Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
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Dave Barry Quotes
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
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Dave Barry Quotes
If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.
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Dave Barry Quotes
The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby's grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.
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Dave Barry Quotes
Just get on any major highway, and eventually it will dead-end in a Disney parking area large enough to have its own climate, populated by large nomadic families who have been trying to find their cars since the Carter administration.
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Dave Barry Quotes
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
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Dave Barry Quotes
In college, Yuppies major in business administration. If to meet certain requirements they have to take a liberal arts course, they take Business Poetry.
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Dave Barry Quotes
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
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Dave Barry Quotes
Database: the information you lose when your memory crashes.
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Dave Barry Quotes
The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.
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Dave Barry Quotes
No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
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Dave Barry Quotes
And that's the wonderful thing about family travel: it provides you with experiences that will remain locked forever in the scar tissue of your mind.
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Dave Barry Quotes
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
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Dave Barry Quotes
Hardware: where the people in your company's software section will tell you the problem is. Software: where the people in your company's hardware section will tell you the problem is.
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Dave Barry Quotes
What, exactly, is the Internet? Basically it is a global network exchanging digitized data in such a way that any computer, anywhere, that is equipped with a device called a "modem" can make a noise like a duck choking on a kazoo.
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Dave Barry Quotes
While you are destroying your mind watching the worthless, brain-rotting drivel on TV, we on the Internet are exchanging, freely and openly, the most uninhibited, intimate and, yes, shocking details about our config.sys settings.
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Dave Barry Quotes
The Internet is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, "people without lives." We don't care. We have each other.
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Dave Barry Quotes
Mother Nature, in her infinite wisdom, has instilled within each of us a powerful biological instinct to reproduce; this is her way of assuring that the human race, come what may, will never have any disposable income.
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Dave Barry Quotes