Quotes by Dave Barry
A Mission Statement is a dense slab of words that a large organization produces when it needs to establish that its workers are not just sitting around downloading Internet porn.
Barry, Dave
Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.
Barry, Dave
Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth and fresher breath.
Barry, Dave
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.
Barry, Dave
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
Barry, Dave
Camping: nature's way of promoting the motel industry.
Barry, Dave
Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough... I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of forty-seven-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding.
Barry, Dave
Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons.
Barry, Dave
Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
Barry, Dave
If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.
Barry, Dave
Just get on any major highway, and eventually it will dead-end in a Disney parking area large enough to have its own climate, populated by large nomadic families who have been trying to find their cars since the Carter administration.
Barry, Dave
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
Barry, Dave
In college, Yuppies major in business administration. If to meet certain requirements they have to take a liberal arts course, they take Business Poetry.
Barry, Dave
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
Barry, Dave
The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.
Barry, Dave
No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
Barry, Dave
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
Barry, Dave
What, exactly, is the Internet? Basically it is a global network exchanging digitized data in such a way that any computer, anywhere, that is equipped with a device called a "modem" can make a noise like a duck choking on a kazoo.
Barry, Dave