Quotes by Woody Allen
The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.
Allen, Woody
Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
Allen, Woody
Inertia accounts for two-thirds of marriages. But love accounts for the other third.
Allen, Woody
When we lose twenty pounds, we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty.
Allen, Woody
If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.
Allen, Woody
Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love.
Allen, Woody
I interestingly dated a woman in the Eisenhover administration, briefly, and it was ironic to me because I was trying to do to her what Eisenhover has been doing to the country for the last few years.
Allen, Woody
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
Allen, Woody
Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.
Allen, Woody
Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
Allen, Woody
The last time I was in a woman I was visiting the Statue of Liberty.
Allen, Woody
If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.
Allen, Woody
It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
Allen, Woody
Cloquet hated reality but realized it was still the only place to get a good steak.
Allen, Woody
I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Allen, Woody
Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.
Allen, Woody
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
Allen, Woody
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
Allen, Woody
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
Allen, Woody
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Allen, Woody
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
Allen, Woody
What is it about death that bothers me so much? Probably the hours.
Allen, Woody
Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing "Embraceable You" in spats.
Allen, Woody
She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.
Allen, Woody
Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.
Allen, Woody
The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.
Allen, Woody
Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided you get between the right man and the right woman.
Allen, Woody
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
Allen, Woody
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Allen, Woody
I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
Allen, Woody
Summing up, it is clear the future holds great opportunities. It also holds pitfalls. The trick will be to avoid the pitfalls, seize the opportunities, and get back home by six o'clock.
Allen, Woody
At the moment it's just a Notion, but with a bit of backing I think I could turn it into Concept, and then an Idea.
Allen, Woody
I could tell by the sound of your voice over the phone. Very authoritative you know, like the Pope or the computer in 2001.
Allen, Woody
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy.
Allen, Woody
I don't wanna live in a city where the only cultural advantage is that you can make a right turn on a red light.
Allen, Woody
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
Allen, Woody
If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.
Allen, Woody
There's nothing sexier than a lapsed Catholic.
Allen, Woody
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
Allen, Woody
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Allen, Woody
As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" - probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Allen, Woody
I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.
Allen, Woody
Sex relieves tension - love causes it.
Allen, Woody
Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
Allen, Woody
Men die, but does Cloquet die? This question puzzled him, but a few simple line drawings on a pad done by one of the guards set the whole thing clear.
Allen, Woody
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
Allen, Woody
But she was so sweet and we just walked in the park and I was so touched by her that, after fifteen minutes, I wanted to marry her and, after half an hour, I completely gave up the idea of snatching her purse.
Allen, Woody
I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
Allen, Woody
That was the most fun I've ever had without laughing.
Allen, Woody
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Allen, Woody
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead - not sick, not wounded - dead.
Allen, Woody
I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now.
Allen, Woody
The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.
Allen, Woody
Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.
Allen, Woody
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
Allen, Woody
To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
Allen, Woody
You use sex to express every emotion except love.
Allen, Woody
I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
Allen, Woody
The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.
Allen, Woody
I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats.
Allen, Woody
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Allen, Woody
Tradition is the illusion of permanance.
Allen, Woody
There are worst things than death. If you've ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman, you know exactly what I mean.
Allen, Woody
Nothing worth knowing can be understood with the mind.
Allen, Woody
If George W. is sincere about wanting to hunt down and kill the people responsible for Osama Bin Laden, he might as well start with his father. It was the Reagan/Bush CIA, after all, that made Bin Laden what he is today. Everybody knows this, but nobody mentions it - partly because it's so inconvenient, and partly because we're so embarrassed by the obvious Freudian implications of it all, and the thought that thousands and thousands of people may be about to die for what boils down to a rivalry over the sexual favors of Barbara Bush.
Allen, Woody
I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
Allen, Woody
If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.
Allen, Woody
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
Allen, Woody
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
Allen, Woody
The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
Allen, Woody
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
Allen, Woody
I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said "No."
Allen, Woody
When the Academy called, I panicked. I thought they might want their Oscars back and the pawn shop has been out of business for awhile.
Allen, Woody
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Allen, Woody
Sex between two people is a beautiful thing; between five it's fantastic.
Allen, Woody
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
Allen, Woody
It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies.
Allen, Woody
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
Allen, Woody
The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held.
Allen, Woody
Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.
Allen, Woody
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
Allen, Woody
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
Allen, Woody
When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
Allen, Woody
Can we actually "know" the universe? My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown.
Allen, Woody
I thought your line was great about, uh,"life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television." I mean, it's completely true.
Allen, Woody
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
Allen, Woody
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Allen, Woody
Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
Allen, Woody
Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.
Allen, Woody
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Allen, Woody
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Allen, Woody
In Beverley Hills, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into television shows.
Allen, Woody
A "Bay Area Bisexual" told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.
Allen, Woody
Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.
Allen, Woody
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
Allen, Woody
Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.
Allen, Woody
How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?
Allen, Woody
How the hell do I know why there were Nazis? I don't even know how the can opener works!
Allen, Woody
I am at two with nature.
Allen, Woody
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
Allen, Woody
I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.
Allen, Woody
I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible would be like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.
Allen, Woody
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
Allen, Woody
I know exactly what I think about all this, but I can never find words to put it in. Maybe if I get a little drunk I could dance it for you.
Allen, Woody
I took a speed reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
Allen, Woody
If Jesus Christ came back today and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.
Allen, Woody
I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
Allen, Woody
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
Allen, Woody
Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.
Allen, Woody
Marriage is the death of hope.
Allen, Woody
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
Allen, Woody
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.
Allen, Woody
Sex is better than talk. Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex.
Allen, Woody
Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best.
Allen, Woody
Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him "Be fruitful and multiply." But not in those exact words.
Allen, Woody
Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
Allen, Woody
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
Allen, Woody
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
Allen, Woody
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
Allen, Woody