Quotes by Fred Allen
The world is a grindstone and life is your nose.
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Fred Allen Quotes
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
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Fred Allen Quotes
Condensed milk is wonderful. I don't see how they can get a cow to sit down on those little cans.
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Fred Allen Quotes
Everything is for the eye these days - TV, Life, Look, the movies. Nothing is just for the mind. The next generation will have eyeballs as big as cantaloupes and no brain at all.
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Fred Allen Quotes
Cocktail party: A gathering held to enable forty people to talk about themselves at the same time. The man who remains after the liquor is gone is the host.
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Fred Allen Quotes
I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me.
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Fred Allen Quotes
I'd rather have two girls at seventeen than one at thirty-four.
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Fred Allen Quotes
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.
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Fred Allen Quotes
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
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Fred Allen Quotes
I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.
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Fred Allen Quotes